Poles Don’t Dance Like That, Surely?


It was not what I expected.

Everyone I know who has gone to a pole dancing class emphasized what a workout it is.

But no-one mentioned how overtly suggestive and sexual it was.

Why is that, I wonder?

Now, I’ve been to a few clubs in my time that featured girls on platforms high up, dancing around poles.

I do know what pole dancing looks like.

I’m not a complete innocent.

But somehow my reptilian brain had refused to tie together these girls on platforms and what I had actually signed up for.

Somehow I thought I was going to an aerobics class that involved a pole.

You know, like sometimes they involve stretchy bands and a step.

I didn’t expect to be gyrating quite so much while expected to move my hands up and down my body or run them through my hair as I stuck my tushie out as far as it would go.

(Normally I like to make my tush look as small as possible. I think it’s quite large enough. But the opposite was required here. And it’s quite liberating. Try it, you might like it.)

For a reserved, introverted Brit like me, this pole dancing malarkey was…unconventional.

I had planned to go several months back but I went ice skating.

Transported in my sexy pimp mobile

And broke my arm.

My plans had to be changed again when the friend who’d offered to keep me company while I gyrated into the next century buggered her knee while skiing.

These are the kinds of things that happen when you’re middle-aged.

And in denial.

Eventually I went with my friend, Sabine, who bravely and good-humoredly decided to give it a go.

Critically, she’s also ten years younger than me so I thought she’d be able to hold the side up if I flailed.

We wore our tank tops, bared our legs and off we went.

We were welcomed by a tiny dancer named Jessica. The woman was totally taut and enviably athletic.

I’d seen more fat in a Lean Cuisine.

We were instructed to strap on a pair of stilettos and immediately my feet were contorted into a position not known for many a year.

If ever.

The height of the heel caused me to wobble like jello rather than sway seductively as we were instructed in our sashay walk. They required a balancing act that quickly caused my thighs to tremble and shake.

It required some getting used to.

We curled and rolled and rotated and swiveled.

We performed cat moves. We flicked.

We stretched. We writhed.

And that.

Was just the warm-up.

When we moved onto the pole, my utter gracelessness was confirmed.

We learned four tricks, one of which I couldn’t manage at all.

I never could climb the ropes in elementary gym class.

Climbing a pole forty years later similarly defeated me.

Over the next hour and a half, I learned new terms like ‘Playboy bunny roll.’

And techniques like sinking seductively to the floor while encasing the pole in my thighs.

The most challenging was getting up from the floor in those three inch heels, knees opening and closing like a butterfly’s wings while flicking my hair – an image distinctly more delicate than my first, and probably last, attempts.

But slowly, very slowly, I started to get it.

The hips swaying from side to side as I walked, the knee-bent, butt out, back arched moves, the pole licking, the feline qualities.

Yes, you read that right.

Pole. Licking.

When you do it right, this pole dancing thing is hot, hot, hot.

Hotter than the Indian curry I had for dinner later.

Very spicy, very sexy.

It requires a comfort with, and knowledge of, your body, some rhythm and a lot of physical strength.

A combination rarely demanded outside, well, the bedroom.

And while I can’t say I felt tremendously sexy as I endeavored to stop my quivering thighs from collapsing underneath me as I slid down the pole in a manner more burly firefighter than sultry siren.

I could see that with practice and focus, a whole new world could open up.

One where superheroes get their sexy on.

Once the world has been saved and humanity ensured, of course. 😉

Have you ever walked unsuspecting into a situation? How did you handle it? Did you grow from it or did it make you wither?

If you appreciated this article, please do me a favor and share on Facebook or Twitter. There are buttons at the top and bottom of this article.

And also why not ‘like’ the TSLWW Facebook Fan page to get blog updates delivered to your feed? Click or see the box in the sidebar. Thank you!


{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

Glynis Jolly
April 19, 2011 at 11:43 am

Alison, you should know that I have in a situation that was unexpected. Read Ya’ Sas Crete at my blog. ;D


misty April 19, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Kudos to you for even trying! You go, girl!
misty recently posted..Peaceful- Easy feelingMy Profile


Alison Golden April 20, 2011 at 9:12 am

Thanks, Misty. I still can’t quite believe I did it. 🙂


Mary E. Ulrich
April 20, 2011 at 4:38 am

Alison, you are too funny. Loved the “I’d seen more fat in a Lean Cuisine.”

Guess if you had to put up a ladder to get up the pole, it would lose some of the sex appeal.
Honestly, you look like you are having fun.

So, this summer when you take the kids to the park, you can barter with them on who gets to use the playground “Pole” first:)
Mary E. Ulrich recently posted..Summer Activities A Mother’s Hopes for her SonsMy Profile


Alison Golden April 20, 2011 at 9:13 am

I did have fun, Mary. Although it was a totally serious class. The other women were really focusing on getting it down. 🙂


April 21, 2011 at 5:08 am

You are a daring soul. Good for you for trying. I would have been out the door the minute they handed me stilettos.

And I finally got it. “Poles” don’t dance like that. LOL!!
Beth recently posted..48 Plus 12 Gifts to Keep in Your Gift ClosetMy Profile


Alison Golden April 21, 2011 at 9:17 pm

Hi Beth! I often try to play with words like that. Like the sentence about ‘fireman’ and ‘siren.’ I’m not always sure people get them though. 😉


Trinidad April 21, 2011 at 9:32 am

This is hilarious and I have to laugh because it brought back memories of my girlfriends going away party. She’s a fellow military sister wife and was her husband got orders to Japan and she wanted to do a girls night out something fun and different. Well this was really different, totally out of the box and we had a blast! We had the place to ourselves and I think there was about 12 of us maybe more. It was definitly a night to remember and lots of fun. Thanks for sharing this story with us as usual very entertaining and funny.


Alison Golden April 21, 2011 at 9:16 pm

Thanks, Trini. I think it would be fun to do as a party of girls.


May 31, 2011 at 11:02 am

I am SO JEALOUS!! I want to take some of those classes SO badly!!!

I have been in tons of situations where I was completely out of my depth… but I’m a really good actress, I guess, because I always just pretend I belong and go for it!:)


Alison Golden June 1, 2011 at 2:03 pm

They are quite a workout both for the mind and the body. Definitely take you places you haven’t been before. Well, me, anyway. Perhaps you’re, you know…;-)


June 10, 2011 at 11:32 am

So many friends have taken pole dancing classes lately.
My husband said that if I take the class, he’ll be totally supportive, nudge, nudge, wink, wink…
But I envision me at the class exactly as you described. I laughed all the way thru your post because I could see myself in your stilettos, jello legs and all.


Alison Golden June 12, 2011 at 2:58 pm

My husband asked if I was going to do one for him. I told him I was terrible at it. He said, most men wouldn’t care…LOL!


Mimi July 14, 2011 at 4:47 pm

I’m picturing the pole “climb” like the little boy in the movie “Up” when he’s trying to climb the rope to get up to the house he gets NO WHERE. That’d be me! As for sliding down the pole, the dumb pole probably would stick to my thighs in my fat! LOL It would NOT be attractive!
Mimi recently posted..Gettin’ ‘er Done Just Ain’t Happenin’My Profile


Alison Golden July 14, 2011 at 5:34 pm

I think I was more like a fireman sliding down that darn pole but I have a new goal in life – to be able to climb a pole, any pole. Not to be able to lift one’s own body up is quite pathetic and painful to watch. Every time I take my kids to the park I try on the monkey bars. Painful to watch. Painful to do. 😉


Melody Granger
August 14, 2011 at 7:31 pm

I did NOT do any gyrating and licking or sexual pole dancing. I simply saw a pole in a garage and asked to be given a lesson. This lady was hanging upside down by her feet, but I simply learned how to use my body for momentum to swing around, lol. It was a huge workout for me. Maybe I should start strengthening my body 🙂

Thanks for sharing your pictures. Nice stilettos!
Melody Granger recently posted..Client Show & Tell: Convert Furniture Into Full Functioning Home OfficeMy Profile


Alison Golden August 14, 2011 at 7:40 pm

See? That’s what I thought I was going to be doing…aerobics with a pole. Sigh.


October 20, 2011 at 9:38 am


I envy you! I don’t know if I would pole dance AND never here the last of it from my husband! LOL.

I may have done it years as in college as a fun thing to do with drunken girlfriends but now? EEK! So now I know you are a brave woman!

I try very hard never to get into unsuspecting situations but when I do I wither. I am pretty shy and don’t want to make a fool of myself. But sometimes, with the right crowd, I may do something fun and out of my comfort zone. I just hope I don’t regret it. (Like I said, my husband would tease me over this one. I would never see the end of it.)

Now if it were in a firehouse with some sexy firemen…..

Allie recently posted..MDBP: Helping Your Blog Stand OutMy Profile


Alison Golden November 1, 2011 at 4:46 pm

Hi Allie! I still wince when I think about this. Often I have no idea what I’m letting myself in for. I get energized by an idea and will stop at nothing until it’s complete. I’ve tried many things. Once. 🙂


Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: