This post is sexist.
It contains descriptions of behavior on Facebook that I have experienced and because last time I looked in the shower I was a woman, most of these dodgy behaviors have come from men.
So while I try to treat the sexes equally, because I write from personal experience, this inadvertently sounds like male bashing.
So I have tried to balance out the bash by including stalker behavior that may or may not be my own.
And remind you I am a mother, and therefore an unabashed card carrying, flag waving supporter…
I did a bit of research for this post.
I googled ‘I might be a stalker on Facebook.’
Nothing in the search results was helpful.
Nor am I interested in learning.
I am a simple gal.
I like ‘just the facts ma’am.’
Extra features, knobs and buttons, very high quality are wasted on me.
As long as it (whatever ‘it’ happens to be) is fit for basic purpose, I’m happy.
I suppose I could be considered easily pleased or even someone with rather low expectations but there you are.
I am a very basic user of Facebook.
I know there are lists and filters and hides and all sorts of security and notification settings to turn on and off.
But I have little idea or interest in using them.
I stop myself, just, from getting in all sorts of trouble by hiding notifications.
By refusing all friend requests from my high school days.
And not writing anything in my status update I wouldn’t say out loud to my grandma.
It did occur to me that a lot of our Facebook experience is about the vicarious thrill we get from peeking through the window into other people’s lives.
We get to learn what is going on in the lives of those far away and many we only tangentially know.
We get to see their children grow up as they start the new school year, their houses remodeled, their birthday celebrations and their grandchildren’s graduation photos.
Our noses pressed up to the glass.
While true online stalking is serious stuff, it is rare.
At least among the middle-aged.
Most of what might be called dubious at this point, is more likely inappropriate social skills.
Which by this time, frankly, we should have ironed out.
But this desire to learn the inner goings-on in other people’s lives can be difficult to contain.
And if you find your nose pressed so hard against the pane that circulation stops, you might need to take a step back and let the blood flow again.
Your nose will thank you.
And remember, if you didn’t know there were people like
me this, read carefully. Read very, very carefully.
8 Signs You Are A Stalker On Facebook
1. You send a friend request with a profile pic of just your leg encased in plaster to someone of the opposite gender who is similarly afflicted stating you want to exchange experiences.
Yeah, buddy – like showering, I suppose. #Fail.
2. You click on a friend’s tagged photos, then click on all her friends tagged in those photos and soon you feel personally acquainted with your friends’ friends’ friends’ Auntie Julie and her amazing husband’s new barbeque. (Or maybe that’s her husband’s amazing new barbeque.)
I am very familiar with this kind of thing. It is rumored I may be a wedding stalker on Facebook.
3. You comment on your friends’ friends’ friends’ Auntie Julie’s photo of her amazing new barbeque. From 2008.
Commenting on photos from way back is a dead giveaway. It has ‘stalker behavior’ written all over it.
4. You send repeated friend requests to your cousin’s friends with the same explanation – ‘I am Jane Smith’s cousin. Nice to meet you.’ – over and over again. She ignores you. When she updates her status about doing some DIY, you offer to come over. She ignores you. She’s never met you, seen you or talked to you. You keep sending friend requests. She ignores you.
Get a clue, bro, she’s not interested. I don’t care how nice you are.
5. You friend a local celebrity and then friend all her thousands of friend’s, especially the women.
That’s a lot of ‘friends.’ Both on Facebook and in that sentence. The writer in me is appalled. But seriously, what is that behavior about? Decidedly stalkerish.
6. You notice a friend is online and find yourself responding to her status update, then constantly refreshing the screen waiting for her reply.
If you do this you either have a girl crush, or you are vicariously living your sad and lonely life through her and you should not under any circumstances watch the movie Single White Female anytime soon.
7. You know what ‘poking’ is.
You might even have done it a few times. Scary.
8. You’re always commenting.
This I will admit to (seeing as it’s out there in the public domain anyway, I cannot hide.) I am an über-commenter. I am all over the web, not just Facebook, commenting away to my heart’s content. I cannot read or see something without having something to say in reply. Sometimes it is encouraging, sometimes it is funny. And sometimes, it is completely and utterly pointless and unhelpful but my impulses got the better of me and hit ‘Submit.’.
But if someone is always commenting on your Facebook status, check her out. You could be playing the Bridget Fonda character in Single While Female.
For reals. 😉
Have you ever had a stalker? Or experienced some strange behavior that implies an unhealthy interest in your life? Or simply have questionable the social skills yourself? Let me know in the comments! I’m all ears!
And please share, tweet or +1. There are buttons all over the place. 😉