8 Signs You Are A Stalker On Facebook

41 comments

This post is sexist.

It contains descriptions of behavior on Facebook that I have experienced and because last time I looked in the shower I was a woman, most of these dodgy behaviors have come from men.

So while I try to treat the sexes equally, because I write from personal experience, this inadvertently sounds like male bashing.

So I have tried to balance out the bash by including stalker behavior that may or may not be my own.

And remind you I am a mother, and therefore an unabashed card carrying, flag waving supporter…

Of boys.

I did a bit of research for this post.

I googled ‘I might be a stalker on Facebook.’

Nothing in the search results was helpful.

I suspect this was because I am not 20, interested in dating, going to parties and I do not know how to text.

Nor am I interested in learning.

I am a simple gal.

I like ‘just the facts ma’am.’

Extra features, knobs and buttons, very high quality are wasted on me.

As long as it (whatever ‘it’ happens to be) is fit for basic purpose, I’m happy.

I suppose I could be considered easily pleased or even someone with rather low expectations but there you are.

I am a very basic user of Facebook.

I know there are lists and filters and hides and all sorts of security and notification settings to turn on and off.

But I have little idea or interest in using them.

I stop myself, just, from getting in all sorts of trouble by hiding notifications.

By refusing all friend requests from my high school days.

And not writing anything in my status update I wouldn’t say out loud to my grandma.

It did occur to me that a lot of our Facebook experience is about the vicarious thrill we get from peeking through the window into other people’s lives.

We get to learn what is going on in the lives of those far away and many we only tangentially know.

We get to see their children grow up as they start the new school year, their houses remodeled, their birthday celebrations and their grandchildren’s graduation photos.

Our noses pressed up to the glass.

While true online stalking is serious stuff, it is rare.

At least among the middle-aged.

Most of what might be called dubious at this point, is more likely inappropriate social skills.

Which by this time, frankly, we should have ironed out.

But this desire to learn the inner goings-on in other people’s lives can be difficult to contain.

And if you find your nose pressed so hard against the pane that circulation stops, you might need to take a step back and let the blood flow again.

Your nose will thank you.

And remember, if you didn’t know there were people like me this, read carefully. Read very, very carefully.

8 Signs You Are A Stalker On Facebook

1. You send a friend request with a profile pic of just your leg encased in plaster to someone of the opposite gender who is similarly afflicted stating you want to exchange experiences.

Yeah, buddy – like showering, I suppose. #Fail.

2. You click on a friend’s tagged photos, then click on all her friends tagged in those photos and soon you feel personally acquainted with your friends’ friends’ friends’ Auntie Julie and her amazing husband’s new barbeque. (Or maybe that’s her husband’s amazing new barbeque.)

I am very familiar with this kind of thing. It is rumored I may be a wedding stalker on Facebook.

3. You comment on your friends’ friends’ friends’ Auntie Julie’s photo of her amazing new barbeque. From 2008.

Commenting on photos from way back is a dead giveaway. It has ‘stalker behavior’ written all over it.

4. You send repeated friend requests to your cousin’s friends with the same explanation – ‘I am Jane Smith’s cousin. Nice to meet you.’ – over and over again. She ignores you. When she updates her status about doing some DIY, you offer to come over. She ignores you. She’s never met you, seen you or talked to you. You keep sending friend requests. She ignores you.

Get a clue, bro, she’s not interested. I don’t care how nice you are.

5. You friend a local celebrity and then friend all her thousands of friend’s, especially the women.

That’s a lot of ‘friends.’ Both on Facebook and in that sentence. The writer in me is appalled. But seriously, what is that behavior about? Decidedly stalkerish.

6. You notice a friend is online and find yourself responding to her status update, then constantly refreshing the screen waiting for her reply.

If you do this you either have a girl crush, or you are vicariously living your sad and lonely life through her and you should not under any  circumstances watch the movie Single White Female anytime soon.

7. You know what ‘poking’ is.

You might even have done it a few times. Scary.

8. You’re always commenting.

This I will admit to (seeing as it’s out there in the public domain anyway, I cannot hide.) I am an über-commenter. I am all over the web, not just Facebook, commenting away to my heart’s content. I cannot read or see something without having something to say in reply. Sometimes it is encouraging, sometimes it is funny. And sometimes, it is completely and utterly pointless and unhelpful but my impulses got the better of me and hit ‘Submit.’.

But if someone is always commenting on your Facebook status, check her out. You could be playing the Bridget Fonda character in Single While Female.

For reals. 😉

Have you ever had a stalker? Or experienced some strange behavior that implies an unhealthy interest in your life? Or simply have questionable the social skills yourself?  Let me know in the comments! I’m all ears!

And please share, tweet or +1. There are buttons all over the place. 😉

{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }

Allie
Twitter:
September 13, 2011 at 5:58 am

WHOO! I’m not a stalker!

I completely and totally love FB! It is my way of keeping up with my neighbors and their kids. Sad, isn’t it? I should just invite them over for a BBQ! We do.

There are those old friends or acquaintances that I love to keep around for a good times or see their kids grow up but I’m not in constant contact. For instance, my son’s 3rd grade teacher was awesome! She is our neighbor also. After my son moved on and wasn’t in her class anymore (my rule to not “friend” my kids’ active teachers) we friended each other and we get to keep in touch. I do see her and her family here and there. But I love seeing her cute kids grow up.

Like you, I don’t know all the bells and whistles. My one friend wanted to keep a private group of people she wants to communicate with on a more personal level so she created the group and invited around 10 friends in it. I didn’t get it at first but now I do. I don’t know if I would be able to create a group. Actually, I probably could, I’m a blogger and should know all this social media stuff, right? LOL.

~Allie
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Alison Golden September 13, 2011 at 6:08 am

Morning, Allie! I was a holdout against Facebook. Liked being anonymous for years, keeping my head below the parapet. Felt very smug and virtuous. Then I joined up and loved it! I have friends all over the place and while I’m don’t friend people from my past lives unless I still have a relationship with them (no high school friends or peopl from those dodgy early jobs) it is a great way to keep up with the lives of so many people. As I write this, it is funny to think after my determination not to fall to a social media icon, I now have my own Facebook page with over 300 people!

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Julie September 13, 2011 at 7:20 am

I’m not a facebook stalker – what a relief! I just wish I was strong enough to unfriend all those childhood people that it was nice to catch up with for five minutes, but now I really could care less about what is going on in their lives. Is that bad? LOL

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Allie
Twitter:
September 13, 2011 at 7:31 am

Julie,

Tell me about it! I wish I had the nerve to unfriend the girl I knew at 10 years old that now only posts about her single life, her fake boobs and she is always in a bikini! I didn’t like her then, why did I friend her now? OH NO! I think I may be a stalker! LOL. Maybe I’m just glad I don’t have her life, but then, maybe I ‘m sad I don’t. lol.

~Allie
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Alison Golden September 13, 2011 at 8:46 am

For ages, I wondered why I didn’t have as many friends as others. I got quite a complex about it. And then one day, someone was complaining about a similar thing – people from waaaaayyy back – and then I realized I have no-one from high school except one friend who I’ve known since I was 4 and still meet up every time I’m in the UK with so she doesn’t count. I only use my married name too so no-one finds me. No-one from jobs I did in my twenties except those I’m still friendly with. No ex-boyfriends. Once you’re out of my life, you’re right out, it would appear. I think it is for the best. 😉

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Alison Golden September 13, 2011 at 8:48 am

It definitely isn’t bad , it’s essential for peace of mind, IMO. Facebook is its own kind of tyranny I find. I’ve unfriended people I see around town, so I wouldn’t worry if I was you, Julie. 😉

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Mary E. Ulrich
Twitter:
September 14, 2011 at 5:16 am

Julie, what a hysterical and politically uncorrect and absolutely PERFECT response. Having that old friend who was nice for 5 min. is like dragging your little sister around when you were going out with your friends. UGH.

alison, there is another post topic here.
Mary E. Ulrich recently posted..Aaron Needs a Roommate| #11My Profile

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Alison Golden September 14, 2011 at 7:56 am

Yes, quite possibly Mary. I think there’s a whole slew of post that could be written up relative to Facebook. Like I say somewhere else, Facebook can be a tyrant and hold us hostage.

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Karen Howes September 13, 2011 at 10:03 am

Dude, Number 3 does sound awfully familiar . . . Wait — when is this post from???

Seriously, Alison, I do love these! Is ‘thanks for sharing’ the appropriate thing to say??

Karen xx

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Alison Golden September 13, 2011 at 10:12 am

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE! I love that word! Thank you for using it in reference to me. I feel so cool now!

No worries, Karen, you are good with the date, spot on. And the appropriateness of ‘thanks for sharing’ is dependent on what it is you are, in fact, sharing, I believe. 😉

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Cathy Presland
Twitter:
September 14, 2011 at 4:38 am

Very funny 😉

You know I still don’t know what poking is – it’s OK don’t tell me – I’m happily ignorant!

Cathy
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Alison Golden September 14, 2011 at 7:37 am

Oh, I have no idea what poking is, Cathy. See, I’m not a stalker, either! 😉

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Mary E. Ulrich
Twitter:
September 14, 2011 at 5:18 am

Alison, what a fun post. I just got my first male proposal which really brought me back to reality. Now I’m much more careful.

I’m a fan of several people. Hope they don’t think I’m a stalker.
Mary E. Ulrich recently posted..Aaron Needs a Roommate| #11My Profile

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Alison Golden September 14, 2011 at 7:54 am

WHAAT!! Your first proposition! Mary, first, revel in it. Second, watch out if it unnerves you. I don’t friend anyone I don’t know in real life on my personal profile. That’s my basic rule. That way, friend requests that are inappropriate just bounce off like rubber tipped arrows. Like those above. The guy in the cast though was a weird one.

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Modern Gypsy September 14, 2011 at 9:21 am

Yay! I’m not a FB stalker….though I know what poking is and I’ve done 6, like, twice, when I was high on wine and bored outa my skull. Er, should I change that first line to I may *gasp!* be a FB stalker? 😉
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Alison Golden September 14, 2011 at 2:41 pm

LOL! Yes, boredom. I think that is the cause of a lot of Facebook stalking. Our bums get welded to our seats and we can’t seem to move. So what do we do? We go on Facebook, of course 🙂

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Shay
Twitter:
September 14, 2011 at 10:16 am

Oh this was SOOO funny. I keep getting poked by random people on FB. I want to post a status that says “Pls don’t poke me!” but I think it would sound too XXX rated & I think it would encourage more pokes. lol

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Alison Golden September 14, 2011 at 2:42 pm

You do? What IS poking? Can you enlighten me? Who *do* you have on your friends list that is doing this poking?

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Shay
Twitter:
September 14, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Honestly, I have no clue what poking is. I think the objective is to get your attention. Some of my friends will do that if they haven’t seen me post in a while. But even that’s frustrating because they have my number…they could send a sista a text message, ya know? lol But the other pokers are friends of friends. I don’t really *know* them on a personal level. So, I added them and then they started poking me. lmao! When I private message them or send them an email I get nada! So…now I let them poke, but I just don’t respond. I may put them on my list of peeps who can’t see my entire profile. lol But I’m not on often enough to do that…

You’ve never been poked on FB???
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Alison Golden September 15, 2011 at 6:51 pm

Not that I know of. I’d know, right?

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Bibi September 14, 2011 at 11:01 am

Ok, I will admit to #7 and #8 and occasional #2 so that makes me Stalker novice or stalker in training? I don’t think I will ever become full pledged stalker cause the rest of the signs are just creeping me out.

I do know what poking is, but it annoys me dearly….being poked over and over and asking for poke back….not my forte,lol.
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Alison Golden September 14, 2011 at 2:44 pm

Clearly I need to go find out what poking is. And I will admit to #2, too. 🙂

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Shay
Twitter:
September 14, 2011 at 4:19 pm

I totally agree, Bibi! Poking is like…a game of unending tag. It makes no real sense. Although I am late to the Facebook thing so maybe it serves some sort of purpose….lol

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Amy ~ Eat. Live. Laugh. Shop.
Twitter:
September 14, 2011 at 11:44 am

Luckily, I am not a FB stalker. I am finding it less and less intriguing these days. I’m too obsessed with Pinterest to have any time for FB. : )
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Alison Golden September 14, 2011 at 2:45 pm

Ah now, Pinterest! THAT is a whole ‘nuther board game…

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Lori
Twitter:
September 16, 2011 at 6:19 pm

Ohhhhhhh, I heart Pinterest!
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Kristl Story September 14, 2011 at 2:25 pm

My teenage daughter just informed me that I was a facebook stalker since I’m always looking at my college son’s facebook page. I informed her that I’m a parent, and one of our rules about facebook is that we can check their pages anytime!
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Alison Golden September 14, 2011 at 2:45 pm

I thought Facebook was how parents kept tabs on their college kids. I mean, isn’t that what those college kids designed it for? 😉

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Linda
Twitter:
September 15, 2011 at 10:09 am

Holy crap! I’m a FB Stalker–

I have this awful creepy knack for going through people’s pix (those truth be told, it’s usually spurred whenever one of them adds a new photo to their status), and sometimes I copy them and send them to my one friend who is classy enough not to be sucked in by the FB…I know, what a LOSER! Is there a way for others to find out if you do that??? Gawd, I can’t be the only one, right?

Well, I’ve got news for you Alison, you don’t need to FB friend your high school friends b/c Facebook IS high school:P.

Guilty of #3–I totally comment stalk others’ photos from back in the day—but yeah, I’m gettin’ the creepy factor loud and clear, so no more of that.

I love abundant commenters and I’m always appreciative when I touch base w you on social media–probably cuz you’re an amazing writer and you have a wonderful story. Don’t temper the ‘submit’ button impulse, I say!
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Alison Golden September 15, 2011 at 6:10 pm

Okay, that photo thing, Linda. Is just weird. Tell your friend to get her own Facebook account. And do her own dirty work. 😉

And no worries, I’m about as likely to stop commenting as I am talking!

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Brenna
Twitter:
September 15, 2011 at 8:30 pm

Too funny! And phew, I am definitely not a FB stalker. 🙂 I really do use it for personal friends and people I care about knowing what is happening in their lives. I don’t really go beyond that.
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Alison Golden September 19, 2011 at 8:08 pm

I think that’s very wise, Brenna. 🙂

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Erin September 16, 2011 at 10:13 am

I use to live on FB. Play the games and all that jaz, then I had my daughter and she’s made FB only a tool to let people know I have a blog post and talk to the occasional friend.
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Alison Golden September 19, 2011 at 8:09 pm

The games! That is something I’ve never got into. Thankfully. 🙂

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Lori
Twitter:
September 16, 2011 at 6:16 pm

I love this post!!! My husband and I are avid Lonesome Dove fans…and for that reason alone, we never poke anyone but each other on Facebook. Hahaha
I have my own list of rules for FB, too. I think social media is still deserving of social etiquette. 😉 I like your idea of using grandma as a measure of status appropriateness.

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Alison Golden September 19, 2011 at 8:10 pm

Hey Lori! Long time, no hear! I’m glad to hear you keep the poking between spouses. Very wise. And oh yes, I have rules for everything. Goodness knows what I’d get up to if I didn’t have my rules. 🙂

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Share September 19, 2011 at 10:30 am

Love it!! Glad to know I am NOT a Facebook Stalker – well – wait – I did get HERE from FB… LOL!
Feel free to come by and comment on my blog anytime!
Share recently posted..Being a mom of a teenagerMy Profile

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Alison Golden September 19, 2011 at 8:11 pm

Hmmmm, a stalker – you could be, you could be…

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DrJulieAnn aka The Modern Retro Woman
Twitter:
September 28, 2011 at 5:05 pm

I’m envious of your pared down friend’s list, Allison. My parents were prominent in the community so a lot of people I have nothing in common with are in my “friends” roster. I LOVE the interaction I have on my fan pages but I’ve pretty much hidden everyone but my closest friends and try not to reveal too much personal information that these strangers can read on my FB news stream.

I have a couple of stalkers from my childhood that I think mean well but it is kind of creepy that they don’t seem to have a life outside of FB.

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Alison Golden September 29, 2011 at 8:32 am

Hi Julie Ann!
I love the interaction on my fan page too. In fact I probably interact more there than my personal profile these days. Um, that makes me sound very sad, doesn’t it…? 😉

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Carrie February 21, 2013 at 5:53 pm

I had a female friend of my boyfriend friend request me. No big deal. Until she started snagging statuses i had posted years ago, decided to dye her hair my color, and started referring to her own children with the same nicknames i use for mine. That and her constant ‘liking’ and lurking set off my creep alarm. Thank goodness for delete and block.

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