I see you every day.
I talk to you every day.
I tell you to get up, go to sleep, eat your greens. I tell you to sit down, clean your teeth and brush your hair.
But there are some things I’ve never told you. Some things I didn’t realize myself until recently. And they aren’t things we talk about every day. So I’ve written them here.
1. I started making decisions about your lives’ years before your birth.
Boyfriends I dumped because they weren’t good father material (even if they were fun,) men I never even went out with because it was clear from the start it wouldn’t work, jobs I took to ensure I could stay home later, books I read and activities I undertook to understand myself and what I wanted from life.
All these decisions had a massive, direct impact on your coming to existence and what your lives’ are like today.
Mothers just do these things.
2. I wasn’t sure I wanted children…until I wanted children.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to pass on my struggles, my neuroses, my genes. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be tied down, committed, my options limited.
And then one day, I realized that was exactly what I wanted because there’s freedom in commitment, a freedom to explore intimately within the confines, that intimacy enabled by the very state of the confinement.
And I came to realize my struggles weren’t so bad, pretty normal in fact, and I overcame them.
And the overcoming was a gift. To pass on. To you.
3. I wasn’t sure I’d like being a parent.
Before I had you, the most I’d stuck with anything was about 18 months. Then I’d hove to and change – a job, a relationship, my location.
I wondered if the same would be true of parenting. Would I be screaming for release before two years was up?
Yet here I am eleven years later, still plugging away, still reminding you to clean your rooms, your teeth, your bottoms.
So what gives?
Well, I couldn’t give you back. I had no choice.
Oh, there were times when I wanted to, there were times when I did scream for release but they were just moments, seconds. Occasionally a few minutes on a very bad day.
And then it was over, and everyone calm again.
And you’d change. Develop. There were new challenges, new problems to solve, new achievements to celebrate.
I like being a parent.
At my core. It is who I am. It’s not a choice, it just is.
My love for you is unwavering.
And it’s great. And solid.
Some things will not change. Not ever.
That is one of them.
All my love, Mummy
What have you never told your kids? Let me know in the comments!
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