My mum is an odd duck. She might appear to be perfectly normal in public but I’ve seen her behind closed doors and she’s definitely a bit strange. (Unlike me.)
Like when she makes little games up for herself while folding washing. Or lets us watch Katy Perry music videos and mysteriously shuts them off halfway through.
I thought it might be important when reading this blog for you to know exactly who you’re dealing with so me and my brother compiled this list over dinner one evening and invite you to take a look. Think of it as extra tidbits of information with which to make a judgement:
Is she a superhero or kooky eccentric? I have my thoughts. Choose yours.
10 Things You Don’t Know About My Mom:
1. She sparked a gender identity crisis among her sales team when she was the first woman to win her company’s national sales award and the award plaque had been already engraved “SalesMAN of the Year.” It was over twenty years ago but she still talks about it.
2. She goes around the house saying “The Browns from Scotland eat scallops with their potatoes” over and over in a Scottish accent. (She doesn’t say ‘potatoes,’ she says ‘tatties.’) If you see her, ask her to say it. I’m sure she will oblige. It’s quite good, actually. And funny.
3. Was told by voice coach extraordinaire, Kevin Delaney that she should audition as a voice match for Sharon Osborne. Really.
4. Knows quite a few people who know famous people but knows none herself. She wonders why this is.
5. When she first moved to San Francisco she worked very hard to make friends. After six months, she still didn’t know anyone but she’d hugged a lot of people.
6. She once won a race that involved blowing up an armadillo’s bum. She was in Texas. I’m serious. She says she’s going to write about it.
7. Came third in a song-themed hat competition when she was 12 with “Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree.” She didn’t think it was cheesy but I’ve put her right and she knows now not to tell my friends.
8. According to my brother, Oliver, she’s the healthiest mom within 67 miles and forces us to join in.
9. She loves America’s Got Talent but can’t bear to watch in case they mess up. Go figure. She thinks Sharon cops out, Piers is funnier in print than he is in the flesh and Howie’s great especially that little beardy thing.
10. Her next blog post is going to be titled “I’m getting a J-Lo butt.” I don’t know what that means exactly but apparently it’s not good.
So there you have it. The inside scoop.
Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to relate to her normally from now on despite knowing this formerly top secret information.
Tough job, sister.
One more thing, she wants more comments, so leave one in the box below. Just don’t mention my name; she might take my computer time away from me.
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